ATTACK OF THE INTERNET

Joe Shoemaker was a senior reporter at Riverfield's most respected paper, the Daily Yesterday. He was busy typing up the paper's lead story--Millenials: Will They Ever Get Off of Our Lawns? when suddenly the Managing Editor, Abe Goldstien rushed into the room.

"STOP THE PRESSES!" he yelled.

There were no presses here. It was just a figure of speech. Did they even use presses like that anymore?

Abe called the journalists into his office, explaining that he had an unbelievable and amazing story that they must investigate and bring to public light as soon as possible. He was a grey-haired, pudgy, mostly bald man who dressed in an expensive dark-grey suit with suspenders. He was always smoking a big cheap cigar, which everyone allowed him to due in spite of modern smoking laws, just as he had since he had assumed control of the paper in 1954.

"This morning, at precisely 6am," began Abe, "I was suddenly and mysteriously unable to access my emails."

"Did you call your Nephew?"

"Yes, I called my Nephew. But he, suspiciously, never returned my calls. So, naturally, I called Microsoft to figure out what was going on. Told them my emails were acting highly irregular. However, they too were somehow unable to assist me, and suggested I speak to my email's server. Just as I was hanging up the phone, my emails began to work again--inexplicably. But in it, was a mysterious message that had not been there the last time I had logged in to my internet. Fearing it may be spyware, I was at first hesitant to open it, but I mustered up my courage and pressed on. Inside the message, it said…"

Abe dramatically paused here, and took a long sip from his coffee.

"that my emails had been hacked with a virus! Obviously I was very startled by this news, as my computer contains so much sensitive information on developing stories which we can not afford to have leaked to the public. The email told me that I could remove this virus, but I didn't have much time, I needed to respond to the email as soon as possible.

Obviously, I lost no time responding. A second email was sent, instructing me to call a very long number immediately. On the other end of the phone, a gentleman with a very oriental accent answered the phone. At this time I was still panicking. 'I have sensitive information on my hard disks!' I explained 'I cannot allow my email to become corrupted'!

'Yes, yes sir. I understand.' said the oriental man. 'Luckily, I can help you. I have a program that I can email you that will remove any virus. First, I'll need to scan your computer. Please, sir, search for a file on your computer called cmd.exe. That'll be the virus right there.'

'Okay. I'm typing cmd.exe into my google…now what do I do?'

'...yah, it's saying you have over 3,000 viruses Im afraid'

'Sweet jumping Jesus! …on my servers?'

'…yah…but don't worry. I can email you this antivirus program to get rid of them. It's called keys_log.exe. It will only cost you $150. Then you'll never have to worry about viruses ever again. Could I get your credit card information sir?' "

"Stirring!"

"Did it work?!"

"I thought so, at first. Until I received a call at  around10:30 from Ron, head of Internet Security for the Daily Yesterday. Someone, or something, has hacked the network of all of the Daily Yesterday's servers. They are, as I understand it, spying on our every move. Every word we type, every email we send, or every search we put into google, is being watched. In other words--we at the press have been bugged."

Gasps.

"Bugged?"

"Clearly, we have been targeted by some outside entity hostile to the press. No doubt they were behind the hacking of my emails earlier this morning, as well. If I hadn't installed that antivirus software, who knows what they could have gotten away with! But that left me with one last pressing question: who could be behind this? Who would have both the motive and the means to attack one of the largest and most respected publications in all of the Midwest west of Chicago? That's when it hit me--"

Dramatic pause.

"--it was the internet!"

Gasps.

"The internet?"

"Yes! Gentlemen, the internet has hacked my servers."

"But--but why?"

"it's simple really. We all know that so-called 'New Media' fad is due to end any day now. And then  we respectable, serious paper publications, shall rise from the ashes in a triumphant Second Golden Age of Journalism. This is what the Internet fears."

"Amazing!"

"I didn't even know there was a first Golden Age of Journalism!"

"Wow!"

"So, they've decided to take us out now, while they've still got the chance. Starting with us at the Daily Yesterday."





To Be Continued...









































...never