The Story of Abraham

Muslims, Jews, Christians--they don't exactly see eye to eye on everything. But, they all agree on one thing: Abraham is the coolest guy ever. He's the father of both the original, kosher bible club, and all of its many spinoffs. Yet, his story is relatively obscure next to the more poplar sequels, your Moseses and your Mohammeds, and I suppose, for some, maybe your Joseph Smithses, or what have you. But Abraham did it first, so let's take a look at his story and hopefully we can figure out what has made so many people dedicate their entire lives to this no doubt fine specimen of human excellence.

So, basically, Abraham was a very rich guy who moved all of his family from a place called Ur--yes, "Ur." It was the olden days so I assume it had been named by some sort of caveman who had started the city a few years prior--into a land called Canaan because he said God gave the land unto him, even though the Canaanites were already living there. Did I mention that this guy was the first Jew? Anyways, so Abraham was super rich, like Steve Jobs, except back then instead of iPhones and stuff they mostly just had goats. This was before credit cards, before paper money--a lot of people in places that were at the HEIGHT of civilization were still on the fucking barter system back then. No electricity, not even steam engines. The best technology ran on Ox power. Like they were the fucking Flintstones. No astronomy, no medical science, no science period. Philosophy hadn't even been fucking invented. Thinking had just been invented last Tuesday and was still in beta testing. All this is just to put into context how primitive these people were in whose understanding of the world we put our unconditional faith.

Anyways, so Abraham, the Steve Jobs of the thriving goat herding industry, was sleeping in his grass hut or whatever, when God apparently started talking to him and telling him to do shit. And so the next day he called together all his goats, and his slaves--because he owned a LOT of slaves--and his handmaidens and his whole entourage and he tells them all about the conversation he just had with God (so cult family members reading this, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but Abraham beat you by a few thousand years). And they all fucking believe him, of course, because once again, this is before modern inventions--like evidence. Abraham couldn't record God on his cellphone camera, he couldn't even take an 1800s grainy sepia tone photograph. If something happened and you wanted to record it back then, you had to paint a fucking picture of it--and not a good, Michelangelo oil painting either. The best they had back then were basically stick figures, and you had to chisel them out of a clay tablet. Why? Because there was not even. fucking. paper. So, everyone just had to take his word for it. And, we've been taking his word for it ever since.

So, Abraham tells all his goats and handmaidens the amazing news that omnipotent God decided to give to him. Was it, maybe, the secret to electricity? Penicillin? No. Much, much, better. God commands that he cut the tip of his dick off. Just put yourself in one of these slaves' shoes for a minute. Imagine, for example, you've got a boss that's a little bit loony tunes, and one day you come into work and he starts talking to you about his conversations with God, the omnipotent creator of the universe. And last night God told him to mutilate his penis. Oh wait, it gets scarier. Because not only are you this guys employee, but you have to live with him on his estate. He's your roommate--and landlord! And he has complete power over you. He can starve you, he can leave you out naked in the cold, he can beat you, he can rape you, he can sell you to someone else who can do the same and worse because he literally OWNS you. And then he starts talking about how God told him to mutilate his penis. That's about where you stand as a slave at this point in the story. But wait, we're not done yet. It still gets better. Not only, Abraham continues, does God command that HE cuts off the tip of HIS dick, but every male in the household--including his slaves--also gets their dick off, too. That means you! And this is going to be an ongoing thing from now on. If he buys anyone else from some other rich goat tycoon at some later date--welcome new recruit to the Abraham family, here is your complimentary welcome basket complete with getting the tip of your dick cut off.

Then we cut to the B story with Lot in Sodom and Gomorrah where God rains burning sulfur on the city, thus putting an end to sodomy once and for all. Lot's wife gets turned to salt, but that's okay because Lots daughters have drunken sex with their father, thus ensuring the family line continues. Because God might find gay sex icky, but father-daughter incest on the other hand, is super hot! Between that and the unhealthy obsession with forced circumcision, I'm beginning to think God might have an interesting youporn search history. Well, you know, I guess it's always the guys that seem so puritanical on the outside…can't judge a book by its cover and all that… Now back to Abraham.

So, Abraham keeps talking to God and chopping people's dick head skin off for a number of years. God, seeing as how he already promised Abraham all of that land that already belonged to other people, decides that maybe Abraham needs to get around to having a son, seeing as how him and his wife are in their 90s and childless, otherwise his covenant might end a bit prematurely, and his chosen people wouldn't be around to get choosed. And that would ruin his whole third act with all those handsome Nazi uniforms. So God hands Abraham a bottle of his newest creation, Viagra, and commands Abraham to have saggy, wrinkly, 90-year-old sex with his geriatric wife. Okay, so far, so good. God demands old person sex.…certainly fits in with his unusual sexual fixations, but no harm done I suppose. Well, until God starts telling Abraham to start killing people. Darn. Talking to God always seems to be going so well until he starts commanding you to kill. So God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son, Quetzalcoatl style, on top of a mountain. So Abraham gets on his donkey and tells Isaac they're going on a little trip to Disneyland. Yay!

Some might consider the next part of the story to be blatant emotional and psychological abuse towards Abraham, not to mention his son. But you decide. Imagine you're the son of this psychopath who mutilates his slaves and claims to speak to God, as we've already established. One day, pops calls you to come help perform a sacrifice. You gather up some firewood, and an axe, and your good sacrificial blood collecting bucket, and you head up the mountain. But, somethings missing. "Don't we need to pack a sacrificial animal?" You ask.  "Oh, I'm sure God will provide someone--er I mean, something" says Abe, shifting his eyes from side to side menacingly. Oh shit. It's the day I always feared. Pa's finally gone and snapped. Or so Isaac presumably began to think. Or perhaps not. It seems people were a little bit more naive back then because when they get to the top of the mountain Isaac allows Abraham to tie him up over the firewood like Joan of Arc about to be burned at the stake, and shows no sign of struggle. Or maybe he was just the most retarded kid ever. Anyways, at the last minute, just as Abraham is pouring lighter fluid over little Isaac's head, God sends a lamb to sacrifice and informs Abraham that he just got punk'd. So, God didn't actually have Abraham kill anyone (THIS time). Instead, he was just up to one of his rascally old tricks. But, if he hadn't, Abraham would have totally been down to slit his own son's throat and burn his little body to the voices in his head. No doubt about it. At this point, any reasonable person would have gotten the fuck out of there. Maybe he could run away to Uncle Lot's house…sure, he'd have to worry about keeping him away from the liquor cabinet but at least then no one's trying to kill him. But, instead, Isaac seems to be unfazed by the attempted murder. They all have a good laugh and God gives them all a PSA about the "importance of faith."

That's the point of the story that we are supposed to take from it, it was a test of his faith. To see how far Abraham would go for his religion. And this steadfast, unwilling-to-compromise faith has remained a cornerstone of Abrahamic religion ever since. If you aren't willing to kill for God, what good are you?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of Abraham, father of the Jewish, Muslim and Christian religions.  Explains a lot, doesn't it? Thousands of years later, as we sit in our air-conditioned houses tapping away on laptop computers capable of transmitting data from here to Jerusalem in seconds, people continue to follow this man who would by modern standards be a criminally insane schizophrenic. Not to mention ignorant to the point of apparent mental retardation. And not just a few people. Millions of them. In fact, an overwhelming MAJORITY.

And they demand, of course,  that you respect their religion.